Hello you persistent parasite who leeches my energy until I find it hard to function…. I really wish that you would allow me to have natural sleep like the rest of my family. Why do you continue to harass me to the point it is sometimes actually dangerous to leave my house, let alone do my job competently. My current job is being in charge of keeping a VERY active 1 year old happy and safe. Neither of which is an easy task, but especially not when you’ve been up all night 3 nights on the trot staring at bare walls in an attempt to actually bore yourself to sleep.
Some people tell me of the ways that they have defeated you. They found your weakness and have joined the millions of others in a giant happy slumber party in dreamland. So why, when I soak away the stresses of the day in the bath until I remember a sultana, count every sodding sheep there ever was EVER, play white noise, listen to music, read, lay in silence, count my breathing to the point I become with fixated on the notion that I might actually forget how to breathe, drink herbal teas in all sorts of flavours as well as resorting to actually watching roulette on the TV in the hopes the little ball tapping on the wheel will soothe me , do you still come knocking at my door?
As if all that wasn’t bad enough, you wait until the one night where my 12 month old is teething to not show up. When I need your special ‘eyes hanging out on storks’ kind of magic, you are nowhere to be seen. You allow me to nod off at a decent time, comfy and cozy. Lulling me into a false sense of ‘oh my gosh I’m actually going to the big slumber party’, then bam.
So Insomnia, I want to take this opportunity to say in my loudest/sternest mummy voice FUDGE YOU!
If I can’t have natural sleep, then I suppose I’m forced to medicate myself (legally, with a prescription) in order to make you go away. My doctor has issued the restraining order. You can’t knock on my door anymore. You are not welcome.
So sir, I bid you goodbye and goodnight!